Sunday, May 8, 2011

Two Years

As I was procrastinating studying for finals this morning, I decided to revisit this blog. I can't believe it has been two years since I last posted. As I read through the blog posts, I couldn't help but think how different I am now and how much has changed over the course of the past two years. In two short years I have experienced love, hate, fake cancer, betrayal to the extreme, wrestling old demons, a change of schools, being accepted into the accelerated master's program, visiting Australia, getting an eyebrow piercing, getting two more tattoos, my 21st birthday....the list continues on.

So where am I two years later?

Puggy is still my little girl, although she is a lot bigger now. I am still obsessive about my grades. I know a little French. :) I am following my passion (without regard to the economy). I am more assertive. I don't let people walk all over me. I still wrestle with God everyday. I have lost religion, but I am finding faith. I still don't know what I want to do as a career, but I am okay with that. I have a Jedi council who gets me through all major life decisions. I have a best friend who refuses to leave or give up on me no matter how bad it gets. I still throw the occasional pity party, but overall, I am happy.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


I can't believe it has been almost a month since I have last written on my blog. Time flys when you are busy with school, friends, and various other obligations that come up. Unfortunately though, I know this is still no excuse not to blog. Whenever I don't write, I feel as if a part of me is missing. Writing is such a part of who I am. Whether or not I am good at it is still up for debate, and honestly I really don't care. Writing is a way for me to express the many emotions and thoughts I keep locked inside of me. Sometimes I just write about happy experiences that make me laugh. Other times I take a more serious route. Either way, writing is like air for me and without air, we die.

So here I am once again writing. I am not sure what to write about though. I feel like so much has changed, yet so much has remained the same all at the same time. I guess I could start with a brief update of my life.

What am I going to do with my life? Obviously, this is the biggest thing that is always on my mind. Well, I have finally come to the conclusion that I will make the decision when I have to. For now I will just sit back and try to enjoy the ride. I am not saying I don't still struggle with that constant voice in my mind telling me that I have to know what to do, but I am slowly learning to tune it out. I will do whatever interests me, and if it turns out to be wrong for me, so be it. I will do something else. No big deal. Maybe I will be a professional student? Who knows? Is it a sense of apathy I am developing? Yes, kind of...but not really. It is true that I don't care as much as I used to, but I do still care. I am just not going to let the fear of making the wrong decision control my life anymore. I will figure it all out in time.

How is college going? Well, actually it isn't that bad. For a long time I beat myself about going to OTC and not going to Missouri State or another equivalent university, but now I realize that everything true does happen for a reason. I have met a couple friends who I know I will be friends with for a very long time. My classes this semester aren't that bad. Sure, most of them aren't fun, but they aren't hard so I'm not complaining. Plus, I have finally come to realize that I actually like going to a school that is easy for me. Having the honor's class this semester has provided me with the intellectual growth and challenge I wanted, but overall my classes are really easy for me and I make excellent grades. I am not going to complain about a 4.0 GPA. So really, OTC isn't that bad at all. It has turned out to be a good thing for me. I am glad I didn't abandon it after one semester like I had originally wanted.

What about the other friends I had up here? I let them go, and it has been one of the best things I could have done for myself. Sure I feel bad about just ditching them, but it had to be done. I am much happier now. I dreaded hanging out with them everytime they called. Now I have friends I am happy with and they are a much better influence on me. As for Rachel, we are still friends. She is getting married so she has been busy with wedding plans and work so we don't get to hang out a lot anymore. But I am still good friends with her, and I hope once the wedding is over we will have a chance to hang out more often.

Do I still think I am going crazy? Most of the time, but it's okay. Crazy people are more fun to be around, right?

Do I still want to leave? Occassionally...but I am learning to be content with where I am in life right now. Running away will not fix anything.

How's Puggy? She's good....she is sitting on my shoulder right now looking out the window at people walking by. She is officially one year old now. My little girl is growing up so fast!

Latest projects? Well, I did recently make a flame thrower. (I will have to blog about this sometime) I am also working on another secret project. I might make a potato gun today....who knows? :D

Well, I think that is the update for my life at this moment. I am going to try to blog more often. I enjoy it so much.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I know it has been awhile since I last blogged, so here is an update:

I am still in college.

I still don't know what to do with my life.

I think I am going insane....literally, and it is starting to scare me.

That's all I got for now. Hopefully sometime in the near future I will post a decent blog post, but for now, this is it.

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Airwalk Angel

Last week my friend Rachel and I decided to go to the casino just outside of Joplin for a little gambling fun. Little did we know how much "fun" we would have. Anyway, after about getting into one car accident, we were on the interstate headed towards our destination. We were riding in Rachel's car and cruising along smoothly when all of a sudden, we hear a thud, thud, thud sound. I asked Rachel if she thought we had a flat tire, and she said that the rim was bent on the back tire of the driver's side, and it caused the tire to deflate a little. She said that we we stop at the next gas station along the way and air it up again.

Well, the next gas station was in the middle of nowhere. It was a small Sinclair station about twenty miles away from Joplin. When we pulled up there was no obvious air pump, but Rachel made me get out in the literally two degree weather and ask the cashier if they had air. He told me that they did, and he handed me the hose to hook up outside.

I went back out and Rachel got out of the car to try and air up the tire. I hooked up the hose, and Rachel commenced airing the tire up. All was going great except for one thing, the tire was not airing up. Rachel said she didn't know if she was doing it right since the hose was different than most we had seen before. Then an old man got out of his truck and walked over, asking if we needed help. He took over the hose and tried to air up the tire. He even tried using Rachel's can of Fix-A-Flat, but nothing was working. Well, then he felt around the tire and said that there was a huge gash in the back of the tire and asked if we had a spare. Thankfully, Rachel did have a spare. The old man then proceeded to change the tire for us in the extreme cold. By this time I could no longer feel my face.

Once he was done, he told us that the spare should be fine to get us by until we got the car to a garage the next day. We thanked him over and over, because if he hadn't changed the tire for us we would have had to call another friend back in Springfield which was almost an hour away.

When we got in the car and were once again on our way again, Rachel asked if I had noticed the man's shoes. I said that I didn't, and she told me that they were Airwalks, which are a brand of skate shoes Rachel likes. We both found it extremely weird that he was wearing skate shoes. So from that point on, the old man was our Airwalk angel. He helped us in a time of need, and truly proved that people can be good and act selflessly.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

History in the Making

When I woke up this morning, I turned on the news to watch the beginning of the inauguration ceremonies before class. Not much was happening. Commentators talked as the camera focused on the Blair house waiting for the Obamas to make their way to the car to attend the prayer service. Turning off the television, I headed off to class.

After going through my first two classes, I was making my way to my philosophy class when I happened to pass a television that was located in one of the hallways. More than twenty students stood, watching intently as President Obama made his address to the nation. I turned and watched for a couple minutes before I had to head to class. What I found more interesting, though, than the actual inauguration festivities was the people watching the television. Some looked happy, some fearful, others hopeful, and still some just stood in awe.

Whether or not you supported Obama in his campaign for the presidency, he is now our president, and we must support him as the leader of our nation. The U.S. is in a downward spiral. If we are to get out of it, we must abandon our party ties and work together as one. Today is a day that will go down in history. Our future is uncertain, but a new era has definitely come. Whether it will be for better or for worse, only time will tell. For now, I will pray for my nation and its leaders. It is days like today that I am truly proud to be an American.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

College: Semester Two, Day Two

Today was an enjoyable day of college...well, as enjoyable as waking up early and spending hours going over syllabus after syllabus can be. Anyway, today I had three new classes in addition to those I had yesterday. Today I had the pleasure of taking Computers, Abnormal Psychology, and Intro to Philosophy.

Let's start with computers.

Computers actually wasn't that bad, just boring. I do like my instructor though so that's a plus. We spent the entire hour and fifteen minutes going over the syllabus. But before we could begin to go over it, in the true nature of a computer class, we had to log in and retrieve our syllabus from the OTC blackboard site. Simple enough. But in case you haven't been awake for the past ten years, my instructor was gracious enough to explain just how we get there and what everything is along the way. For example: who knew the screen that pops up when your computer turns on with all the icons is called a desktop? Thankfully, I did already know this, and I have Mr. Leon Blagg to thank for it. Oh Mr. Blagg, how I miss you and "aa space aa space aa space" Those hours we spent together truly blessed my soul. That's enough reminiscing. Back to my college computer class. After explaining what the desktop was, he went on to explain the start button. Woohoo! Then after that discussion he showed us that the shortcut icon with the picture of the blue "e" with Internet Explorer written beside was indeed the path to the internet. Thank God it worked when I clicked on it...I was worried it would bring up power point or solitaire. After we finally reached the syllabus (I will spare you everything between the internet shortcut icon and the actual syllabus), we went over it word for word...all ten pages of it. Joy. Fortunately after we were done with that and a ten minute lecture on how he can see if we are on Facebook (It will definitely be hard for me to avoid logging on Facebook since I know I will have withdrawls), we were dismissed until the next time we met on Thursday.

Now on to Abnormal Psychology.

I had a fifteen minute wait between computers and abnormal psychology. My psych class was right across the hall from the computer lab, so it took virtually two seconds to get there. Waiting in the hall, I checked my text messages and reviewed my schedule to see where my philosophy class was. Then I just kept waiting and waiting and waiting. And then it was five minutes until class began and the door was still locked and the lights were off. Was I in the right place? Was this some sort of psychological trick to make me worry and show signs of anxiety? Well, after taking one more look at my schedule, I was indeed in the correct place if my schedule was correct. But after two more minutes of waiting, I finally asked the people who were sitting by me in the hall if they were waiting for abnormal psych too. They said yes, and I was instantly relieved. At least I wasn't the only one who was lost. Finally the instructor came, and we entered the class. We spent the class going over the syllabus and starting on the first chapter. My instructor is an older man who explained that he was in the original full time faculty at OTC when it started. He also told us a short bio of himself and his experience in the psychology field. He was a licensed therapist in Kansas for twenty years and then started teaching. I am sure we will hear some fascinating stories as the semester goes on. I am truly excited for this class. Not only will I be able to diagnose some psychological conditions and learn about the crazy people, I will be able to get an idea if I truly want to go into the field of psychology for a living. Hopefully the answer is yes, because I am tired of not knowing what I want to do with my life!

Finally, let's move to Intro to Philosophy.

When I got to philosophy, I had trouble finding a seat. It was a full class. When class began, there weren't any empty seats. As we were sitting there waiting for the instuctor to come in, all of a sudden in a flash, an obviously pregnant women runs in throws her stuff down and runs back out. Finally, she came back and took her place at the front of the room to teach the class. All I can say about philosophy is that I think I am going to love it and the instructor (I have Caron to thank for that one). Unfortunately, she will be leaving around spring break to have her baby. Who knows what the next professor will be like? Knowing my luck, it will be hell on earth. But for now, I will enjoy the random, crazy, funny Debbie Thompson. She cracked me up as she told how pregnant women lose 6% of their brain for gestational purposes and she said she was close to losing probably 9 or 10%. I loved how passionate and random she was as she furiously scribbled notes on the board, telling the story of how Socrates pissed off the Athenian government. I can already tell that she has a personality very similar to mine so we should get along great. Philosophy should be fun for me, because, after all, I am constantly questioning myself. It should be a good semester.

So that was day 2 in a nutshell. Today made me feel a little better about college in general. So I hope this semester will bring about a drive to be in school that I haven't experienced yet. We will just have to wait and see.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Wandering Eyes Are the Devil's Eyes: College Round Two

"Don't make me get buck in here. Shorty drop it to the ground like she ain't manners. Too much booty for one man to handle. When all I need is a one night scandal."

This tune which is just part of the fabulously dirty song Get Buck in Here by DJ Felli Fel was what brought me out of my sound slumber at five fifteen this morning. As I opened my eyes, I searched for my phone and quickly turned off the alarm and went back to sleep. Unfortunately, my sleep was soon to be disrupted again as the alarm went off once more fifteen minutes later. Turning off the alarm yet again, I shut my eyes, but fifteen minutes later, the alarm went off for a third time which was my cue to actually get up.

Why was I up at that ungodly hour? Because I am stupid....and I had class at seven...that's right, seven in the morning. Like I said before in a previou blog post, I must have been high when I scheduled my classes. But anyway, I dragged myself out of bed and jumped into the shower. After getting ready and having a delicious breakfast of chocolate milk and an English muffin, I was off to class.

Going outside to my car (well, it's not my's my mom's, but that's a post for another day), I realized that it wasn't even daylight yet. Ugh. I should have definitely still been sleeping. But I checked my schedule, and sure enough it said 7:00am Lifetime Wellness. Joy.

When I arrived at the college, I was able to get a front row parking spot, because not everyone is as stupid as me to schedule a 7am class. I gathered my stuff and went inside to try to find the classroom. Thankfully it was not hard to find, because I was still half asleep. When I went into class, I noticed that my instructor was an older black man. All of my peers looked just as delighted to be there as I was. Once class began, the instructor went over the syllabus and what was expected of us in the coming semester. I don't remember much, because my brain wasn't really functioning at the time. Here are the few things I do remember:

You can ace every exam but still fail the class. Homework is worth more than the tests.

Wandering eyes are the devil's eyes

If you miss more than three or four days a semester, there's some bullshitting going on.

And that was the class.

Next class: Chemistry

Unfortunately, I had an hour break between Lifetime Wellness and Chemistry. An hour is not enough time to go home, but plenty of time to become bored. In that hour, I found my chemistry class and sat at a table outside the door where I started talking to some chick that was sitting there also. She seemed really nice as we talked about what classes we were taking, what professors, how many credit hours, what are majors were, etc....She seemed really smart, but I guess you have to be when you are a science major. Gag. Everything was going fine as we were talking, but something didn't seem quite right. Finally, I figured it out when she made the comment that someone looked disorganized. She was a perfectionist control freak. I mean she was nice, but she went on to say that she preferred an extremely structured environment to one of randomness and just going with the flow. Basically she was the opposite of me. I thrive on randomness, she despises it. She loves organization (I might take the time to point out that she had already printed off all of the syllabi for her classes and was reading them as we talked). I attempt to be organized, but it just doesn't work.

Anyway, after awhile it was time for my chemistry class. I said bye to the chick and went in. Chemistry should be a fun class...well, as fun as math and science can be. I like my instructor. She seems really nice, although she does have an accent which makes it a little difficult to understand her. We started going over the chapter during the class, and we even have a quiz next time. Luckily, it will be simple. I think I can handle introductory chemistry.

Finally, it was time for my last class of the day: Honors Seminar. When I made it up to the room, it was locked so I joined the group that was sitting in the hallway. We talked for awhile until Caron came to open the door. There were only seven of us, and as I looked at the group in detail, I could tell we were a very diverse group. We sat down, and Caron started talking to us. About six minutes after class officially began, one last student came in saying that she couldn't find a place to park and that she needed to quit smoking. Caron had been talking about us helping each other and she commented that we could help Jordana quit smoking. How much better can you get? An honor's class AND an addiction group therapy. Awesome!

Anyway, Caron had us introduce ourselves and tell our majors or what we were interested in. Everyone had such high goals. Pre law, engineering, physical therapy, foreign relations....then there was me. As we went around the room, it was finally my turn. I mentioned that I had recently decided that culinary arts was not for me, and I am now going to be a psychology major at MSU. Caron asked about the writing I wanted to do, and I said that I just want to do it on the side. The truth: I want nothing more than to write books about subjects I choose and travel the world doing that, but how do you tell a room full of super smart people with such high goals that right now all I want to do is take a couple of writing classes, leave college, and write. Sure psychology interests me and I could see myself being a counselor maybe ten or fifteen years down the road, but now all I want to do is leave. I want to travel and write. I don't want to be in college. I want to write books about the people I see, the places I go, the world from my perspective. But from my experience, when I tell the honest truth about what I want to do, all some people hear is undeducated bum. For awhile now, I have been very adamant about the psychology major. It sounds good and like something I should do, but when I really get thinking about it, I just want to write for now. Maybe someday I can be a counselor, but right now I don't feel like I am anywhere close to being emotionally stable enough to help someone. How do you help someone get over something you aren't over? Does that make you a hypocrite? Yes.

Maybe I am just your typical college student who feels lost, and I guarantee you 99% of the people I would tell how I feel would tell me to hang in there, that college sucks for everyone and you have to go through it to do what you really want to do. So spare me that's been covered thoroughly. I heard it at least three separate times over Christmas break alone. What I have written is how I it or not. For now, I will continue to hang in there. I will do the work. I will do what is expected of me, and hopefully I will grow to be more okay with what I am doing. But for now, I will just simply hang in there.

Overall, it was an excellent first day of .second semester. This semester will be more work, but it should be better than my last semester. Tomorrow I have three more new classes. I am sure I will write about them as well. For now, I say goodbye, because I have to go clean. Blah.